New Start

So I am starting over with this blog really.. Loads of things are happening and have changed and I have forgot to write about it.. By the way it is 05:00 and I've just woke up in time for "school" ( will explain in the next section ) so I might make little sense.

                                                        (  No Idea why i'm using this picture.)

So, I have officially decided to go into  business for myself and am currently attending a course to help me manage things properly and get it off the ground, they call this a business course i believe. It will take a while to be earning big bucks but its fun, and im learning lots of things. The thing I don't like is being back in a classroom with stupidly clever young people looking at me thinking " someone's dad's lost" .

Also as some people will know me and my best friend Josh are in a comedy hip hop group called Pimp In Distress, now we wrote a sitcom based around the characters we play in this hip hop group, its emotional, sexy, funny and stupid... ANNNNNNND the pilot is actually being made and will be pushed to all major networks by us and local Production company Cornish living TV and Hunters Moon Productions. Filming starts in a matter of days and we will be uploading some scenes as sketches to youtube as soon as we can, so I will link you all as and when something's up.

                                                                ( Yeahhhhhh Boooiiiiiii)

Now with regards to straight stand up Performance, I have done very little since November but what I have done has been with some wicked bad mother fuckers who got mad skillz!!! I have gigs all over the place booked in now though Manchester, London,Wales, Devon and Obviously Cornwall. A few of my Cornwall buddies have asked when they can see me perform next and I have said that I am really not performing much down here, But I can confirm that I am booked to perform at 'PRORAGGANATION'  "THE MIGHTY CRASKEN FARM presents to you *****PRORAGGANATION**** In association with Reality Shock Records. We will be hosting a fine medley from Skank n Stomp, Average Party, Toxic and Pressure Roots Hifi joining forces alongside wicked live Ska & Reggae Bands, Plus Jungle and Dub DJ's and now Comedy"

I have some other really wicked shows booked up In bunters Truro Including Joel Dommett and Eric Lampaert on the 18th March.. Patrick Monahan, Joe Charman and Ben Adams on the 10th April and am about to announce a brilliant act in May!!! I also am Working with Newquay Cinema Helping Provide Live comedy shows, They already have a ton of great shows coming up, people like Doc Brown, Matt Richardson and Carl Donnelly all booked there this year, and on top of that I am working together with them to provide Cornwall with A mini Comedy Festival In October which will have workshops, talks, and performance over 3/4 days. Again I will tell everyone more about this when its "officially released"
And on top of this I am going to be working along side SW1 Productions to provide Cornwall and Devon with some really spectacular Comedy shows!! So keep an eye out for them as well...

On another note Josh is slowly converting our front room into a gym so we are going to get buff as fuck.I Have to decided to slowly turn Vegetarian, and  I have lost quite allot of weight recently .. Ohhhh and I have not bothered getting a hair cut in ages and have an actual mullet... I best get my pencil case in order I have a tough one hour session with some dude about marketing in 2 hours!!! SWEEEET!! Enjoy half term those of you that are on it at the moment. Peace!!!!!!
PS: I will make this fun from now on, but i thought i would get everyone up to speed!!! ouuuuuush..

                                                              ( I got with bare hoes at Uni. )

ChrisPurchaseseseses

So I am sure most people are feeling festive and are looking forward to Christmas day, Unwrapping presents and being with loved ones, eating good food and pretending you actually care. when all you want to do is fuck someone or wank until you almost feel happy.

                                                                ( cum face)

The new year comes next, where everyone gathers around and thinks that saying they will give up smoking because its a new year it will happen, where saying I wont go back to Barry because he beats me, then it will happen, by saying blah blah blah shove a fist up my unwanted arse.. it will happen.... It wont.. the only way things will happen in a good way for you is by not being an absolute cunt.  Good things do happen to good people, but the reason they are good people, is because they work hard and they are not sat at home relying on others to bring them wealth and happiness.

    ( my dad said today, `it`s like cooking the goose that lays the golden eggs. no idea what he meant )

If you have a Masters in media or you have a 2.1 in lesbian social studies then just fucking do your job and do that shit, be  social with lesbians and tell the world about them. maybe team up with the media dude and make a film.. but for gods sake don't just lick vagina and leave us in the dark.. you studied it you lezbo and film dude you wanna make a mark, you got a masters, it aint gonna happen for you in Tesco dude.

                                    (  T......E.....S ...C...O  )

What I am getting at here is that I fucked up, and I don`t want anyone else to make my mistakes.. I am a fucking good comedian and I am pretty fucking cool as well, I never talk about myself in this way usually. But I have realised that I am not only a person , I am a Product.. and I am the best product ever ...

I have lost the one person i felt that I needed in my life, the person I love more than anything in this world. someone I thought I would be with forever..... but I never realised that the actual person I needed more than anyone was ME.....

Do your thing, be you and if you are lucky enough to have someone with you who wants the same or similar for themselves, BOOOM.. you have it all sorted...
If you don`t, then fuck it. you are amazing and you can do whatever you like in life anyway...  You are what defines you, and you are the key to your success.. fuck everyone else..
I`m going to cry now, in the hope that I get back with my ex and then i will wank probably 3 times tonight, and then a further 4 tomorrow..hahaha its just words. and one day soon i hope to live by them. merry Christmas people.

here is a cat

Ohhhh I almost forgot... A good comedian friend of mine Chris Purchase, in fact he isnt just a good friend , he is the best friend you could ever imagine.he is amazing. this christmas I dedicated the tree to him..  hahah he is a proper legend, very funny and has a lovely penis.... ( so i`ve heard)

Sorrry nobs

So I have been a little quiet on this blog recently. and thats due to me and my Girlfriend breaking up...
I kinda didnt think we would but it was getting very difficult and ended up with us both arguing over nothing.
With my over thinking mind and being a bellend, we decided to end things recently. I am more heart broken than I think I will ever be, as she is amazing in every way.
But... sometimes its how things are.

On an upside to things, I am working alongside the best promotions company in the southwest, and i am also working on a comedy festival... I have great friends and I personally
have a few gigs booked.

For those of you that want to know what happened between me and Emma..if you are friends with us you will have you`re own account.

for those of you that have no idea.. I am the one to blame.

One day we will be together.  But for now one day could be a week, a month, a year or ten years..

I have a unicorn in my garage though

THE HEAT IS ON!!

So I haven't done this blog for a little while and that's because my girlfriend came down to see me, and I actually had sex.. yes me having actual sex.

                                                               ( yes )

Anyway, I was in Poundland a couple days ago and witnessed something I thought I would only ever hear in a joke, something so far fetched that I didn't think it would ever happen. A lady in front of me had 30 items and when the cashier said that's 30 pounds please the lady replied with, "i only have 20" then she picked up 2 items, put them to the side and asked " how much would it be if i put these 2 items back?!??! The cashier slightly lost her cool when she said " that would be ... ITS FUCKING POUNDLAND LOVE"

In the same shop I completely lost my shit when I seen an old lady in a mobility scooter reversing at about 1/2 MPH with one of those   " beep beep beep beep CAUTION VEHICLE REVERSING beep beep beep beep" alarms going off.... There's just no need!!!

It did remind me of something I think of from time to time and it just makes me burst out laughing. I'm sure you have those moments yourself, where you will be Tesco or at a Funeral or something and you suddenly think of that one thing and burst out laughing.
I have two of these in particular but the one i am referring to happened around a year ago. Now I am not taking the piss out of the disabled in anyway here, it just struck me as really funny. There is this guy who lived in my home town named Paul, he used to be in the programme Holby City, he uses and electric wheelchair as does his partner ( not sure if they are still together or not ) anyway I seen him and his partner having a little argument in the street then suddenly she shouted something at him and went off up the hill towards there house and then Paul turned his wheelchair around and went off chasing her full throttle up the hill. they were both flat out about 1 yards distance between them, he's shouting "slow down, don't do this to me" as people are walking past them, and then as if by magic I think the most perfect piece of music came on in the pub garden i was sat in at the time watching this unfold, it was the song 'The Heat Is On' by Glenn Frey..
I feel really bad for laughing but you have to admit it's pretty fucking funny..

                                    ( On your marks........ Get set........ GO!!!!!!)

Also this week the City of Truro turned on its Christmas lights and 33,000 wankers turned up to make it really hard for me to go to the shop and buy some tramp juice , however I did see a midget pushing a Victorian style pram that was full of fruit, which made my evening.

                               (This is me singing my smash hit single 'I thought she was 18 ')

Gangsters Paradise

Very little was done today but I  was challenged to a battle rap outside of a spar shop by some kids, I declined and then they shouted Batty at me as i walked back home! THE END

( don't battle me, I'll leave you bruised and bleeding... then go to your mums and cover her face with ma semen.... BOI)

Luke Honnoraty and the interview

So Yesterday I got a call about a job I applied for to help me get some extra cash so i can move to Bristol next year with my lovely Girlfriend and start gigging allot more frequently.  They asked me if i would like to come into the offices and have a look around, meet some of the staff and get a feel of the place to see if i would like to work there. Then there would be a short 1st interview with the manager. I said yes and on my way I went.
So the offices were ok, the people should never have been allowed out of their homes and the lady showing me around kept trying to be funny or laughing at inappropriate moments.for example. " so I best show you all the fire regulations, we wouldn't want you all to burn to death now would we HAHAHAHA"

    ( Quick everyone smile and laugh as our life burns to nothing in the background, "yay this is funny" )


Anyway it wasn't to bad of a place and as something temporary for me to do until i move it was kinda ideal.
It was coming up to the interview part and the lady said to us, there's no need to turn your phones off in this office, we understand you have real lives and sometimes there are long breaks with very little to do, so you can text your friends go on facebook or whatever, all we ask is that your phone is on silent as no one wants to hear the crazy frog when they are trying to work "HAHAHA" (what a great joke you just made boring old lady) , so if you could just turn the volume down that would be great.  We all checked our phones were turned down and one by one went in for these brief interviews ( there were 5 of us in total ) I went in last and sat down and almost as soon as i had sat down my phone started to vibrate against the chair, I was asked if i wanted to get the phone, and declined saying I would call them back. about 3 seconds passed and it went again and it kept doing it constantly, In fact i had 15 missed calls and a text message in what was probably the shortest interview i have ever had. Through the whole thing i was thinking, "what if he thinks i have some sexy anal love egg fetish and i get off on setting them off in public places" I don't know why that was the first thing i thought he may be thinking but it kept going through my head, I just wanted to shout, "IT REALLY IS A PHONE IM NOT A PERVERT" I did manage to resist but kind of wish I had just answered the phone.

                                       ( not even relevant to the story but pretty cool eh? )

Who was ringing me I hear you cry?  LUKE HONNORATY, he had rang me once and as i didn't answer he thought I was having sex, so he was going to keep ringing me to annoy me... he even text me saying " I know you don't have a day job don't you love me? answer your phone"...

                                        (here is Luke with one of his many dildo's)

The best thing about the whole thing for me is that today I got an email from the company saying they have narrowed the position down to two people and that they will be asking me in for a second interview at some point over the next couple of weeks.
The lesson i have learnt here is that if you want to land a well paid job, shove some vibrating love eggs up your arse!!

Locked down like a lobster in a mousetrap!

So I did the gig, I didn't have any material and I still got a few laughs.. The only thing I had planned on was to be able to feed off of the audience, but unfortunately they didn't want to play at all in the first half... The second half livened up a bit when I met a couple who had met online playing dungeons and dragons and the things that annoyed them most about each other were that the girl likes to pretend to be retarded whilst crossing the road and the guy always talks as if he is pingu. They were my saviours, and in a way I did achieve what I wanted, I got to talk to the audience and keep digging until I struck Gold.. well sort of..

Apart from the gig my day was ok as well, I met a nice young man who had just come out of prison, he wanted a cigarette at first, then his demands became a little more as he latched onto my wrist and complimented me on my watch, he then did't let go of my wrist demanding further inspection of this watch..I offered him my hat saying that it was cold out, he accepted this gratefully and went on his merry way. Now I'm not the sort of person to make quick assumptions on people. But I would say that he was a bit of a cunt! Also he may have had glaucoma but again im starting to think he was smacked off his tits.. Anyway as a bit of advice to you all, don't be nice to people, they just keep on wanting more and more from you.

                                           ( if you see this man, don't give him a cigarette)