THE HEAT IS ON!!

So I haven't done this blog for a little while and that's because my girlfriend came down to see me, and I actually had sex.. yes me having actual sex.

                                                               ( yes )

Anyway, I was in Poundland a couple days ago and witnessed something I thought I would only ever hear in a joke, something so far fetched that I didn't think it would ever happen. A lady in front of me had 30 items and when the cashier said that's 30 pounds please the lady replied with, "i only have 20" then she picked up 2 items, put them to the side and asked " how much would it be if i put these 2 items back?!??! The cashier slightly lost her cool when she said " that would be ... ITS FUCKING POUNDLAND LOVE"

In the same shop I completely lost my shit when I seen an old lady in a mobility scooter reversing at about 1/2 MPH with one of those   " beep beep beep beep CAUTION VEHICLE REVERSING beep beep beep beep" alarms going off.... There's just no need!!!

It did remind me of something I think of from time to time and it just makes me burst out laughing. I'm sure you have those moments yourself, where you will be Tesco or at a Funeral or something and you suddenly think of that one thing and burst out laughing.
I have two of these in particular but the one i am referring to happened around a year ago. Now I am not taking the piss out of the disabled in anyway here, it just struck me as really funny. There is this guy who lived in my home town named Paul, he used to be in the programme Holby City, he uses and electric wheelchair as does his partner ( not sure if they are still together or not ) anyway I seen him and his partner having a little argument in the street then suddenly she shouted something at him and went off up the hill towards there house and then Paul turned his wheelchair around and went off chasing her full throttle up the hill. they were both flat out about 1 yards distance between them, he's shouting "slow down, don't do this to me" as people are walking past them, and then as if by magic I think the most perfect piece of music came on in the pub garden i was sat in at the time watching this unfold, it was the song 'The Heat Is On' by Glenn Frey..
I feel really bad for laughing but you have to admit it's pretty fucking funny..

                                    ( On your marks........ Get set........ GO!!!!!!)

Also this week the City of Truro turned on its Christmas lights and 33,000 wankers turned up to make it really hard for me to go to the shop and buy some tramp juice , however I did see a midget pushing a Victorian style pram that was full of fruit, which made my evening.

                               (This is me singing my smash hit single 'I thought she was 18 ')

Gangsters Paradise

Very little was done today but I  was challenged to a battle rap outside of a spar shop by some kids, I declined and then they shouted Batty at me as i walked back home! THE END

( don't battle me, I'll leave you bruised and bleeding... then go to your mums and cover her face with ma semen.... BOI)

Luke Honnoraty and the interview

So Yesterday I got a call about a job I applied for to help me get some extra cash so i can move to Bristol next year with my lovely Girlfriend and start gigging allot more frequently.  They asked me if i would like to come into the offices and have a look around, meet some of the staff and get a feel of the place to see if i would like to work there. Then there would be a short 1st interview with the manager. I said yes and on my way I went.
So the offices were ok, the people should never have been allowed out of their homes and the lady showing me around kept trying to be funny or laughing at inappropriate moments.for example. " so I best show you all the fire regulations, we wouldn't want you all to burn to death now would we HAHAHAHA"

    ( Quick everyone smile and laugh as our life burns to nothing in the background, "yay this is funny" )


Anyway it wasn't to bad of a place and as something temporary for me to do until i move it was kinda ideal.
It was coming up to the interview part and the lady said to us, there's no need to turn your phones off in this office, we understand you have real lives and sometimes there are long breaks with very little to do, so you can text your friends go on facebook or whatever, all we ask is that your phone is on silent as no one wants to hear the crazy frog when they are trying to work "HAHAHA" (what a great joke you just made boring old lady) , so if you could just turn the volume down that would be great.  We all checked our phones were turned down and one by one went in for these brief interviews ( there were 5 of us in total ) I went in last and sat down and almost as soon as i had sat down my phone started to vibrate against the chair, I was asked if i wanted to get the phone, and declined saying I would call them back. about 3 seconds passed and it went again and it kept doing it constantly, In fact i had 15 missed calls and a text message in what was probably the shortest interview i have ever had. Through the whole thing i was thinking, "what if he thinks i have some sexy anal love egg fetish and i get off on setting them off in public places" I don't know why that was the first thing i thought he may be thinking but it kept going through my head, I just wanted to shout, "IT REALLY IS A PHONE IM NOT A PERVERT" I did manage to resist but kind of wish I had just answered the phone.

                                       ( not even relevant to the story but pretty cool eh? )

Who was ringing me I hear you cry?  LUKE HONNORATY, he had rang me once and as i didn't answer he thought I was having sex, so he was going to keep ringing me to annoy me... he even text me saying " I know you don't have a day job don't you love me? answer your phone"...

                                        (here is Luke with one of his many dildo's)

The best thing about the whole thing for me is that today I got an email from the company saying they have narrowed the position down to two people and that they will be asking me in for a second interview at some point over the next couple of weeks.
The lesson i have learnt here is that if you want to land a well paid job, shove some vibrating love eggs up your arse!!

Locked down like a lobster in a mousetrap!

So I did the gig, I didn't have any material and I still got a few laughs.. The only thing I had planned on was to be able to feed off of the audience, but unfortunately they didn't want to play at all in the first half... The second half livened up a bit when I met a couple who had met online playing dungeons and dragons and the things that annoyed them most about each other were that the girl likes to pretend to be retarded whilst crossing the road and the guy always talks as if he is pingu. They were my saviours, and in a way I did achieve what I wanted, I got to talk to the audience and keep digging until I struck Gold.. well sort of..

Apart from the gig my day was ok as well, I met a nice young man who had just come out of prison, he wanted a cigarette at first, then his demands became a little more as he latched onto my wrist and complimented me on my watch, he then did't let go of my wrist demanding further inspection of this watch..I offered him my hat saying that it was cold out, he accepted this gratefully and went on his merry way. Now I'm not the sort of person to make quick assumptions on people. But I would say that he was a bit of a cunt! Also he may have had glaucoma but again im starting to think he was smacked off his tits.. Anyway as a bit of advice to you all, don't be nice to people, they just keep on wanting more and more from you.

                                           ( if you see this man, don't give him a cigarette)

MC G On DA MIC YO

So tomorrow I am the compere at a new act/material comedy night in Falmouth. I have only ever tried to MC once before and that was my first ever attempt at standing in front of people and speaking out loud, I decided that the best possible place for me to do this was in front of over 350 people at a big festival in Newquay. I had killer jokes like " I did a gig in a boxing club the other day.... Tough crowd" followed by " I also did one in a power station... the atmosphere was electric" It's safe to say that I destroyed the stage that day!!

Anyway as I said it's my first proper time as compère at a regular comedy night tomorrow, its a real good room that I have gigged twice before, nice mixed audience and good fun.. Obviously I am a little nervous about the gig so have decided to be a massive massive bellend and not prepare any material at all. I am going to test myself and see if things come to me, maybe talk to the audience a bit and see what gold they come out with. I know I probably should prepare really, and everyone will call me an idiot for not doing so, but I think it will be much more rewarding and more fun to think on my feet completely especially if i can pull it off.

I will update this tomorrow night or maybe Thursday day and let you know how i got on.

here is a picture of a cow..

                                               SUP FOOOLS

AM I FAMOUS YET???

I have wanted to do stand-up comedy for years but never had the confidence to do it until some things happened to me in my personal life, and I thought YOLO (I didn’t really think YOLO because I’m not an utter cunt, I thought what each letter of that abbreviation stands for), I went for it and its been brilliant ever since. sometimes people even laugh! 

                                                               

                                                                   

I have been going for around a year now, have gigged all over the place and met so many great comedians who I now call my friends; but on the odd occasion you meet people who are in it for the wrong reasons. They want a fast track to fame, they want the big bucks and they want it all now, you will know which ones these are because they are usually shit.

I think it's great to have the ambition and drive to want to get better at something, to want to be the best in your chosen art form and even to dream of becoming famous. But to set out with fame and being rich as your only goal is wrong and not at all what it should be about. You need to be passionate about what you’re doing.

                                              

I dream of being on big stages, I dream of making people laugh every night, I live for comedy and I have done for years, Before I was even doing stand-up, I would watch comedy every day, whether on DVD, television or live. I would be analysing what the comedians were doing and trying to think up my own funny, original material.

I'm so glad to be doing something I love, I have found something I would love to do forever and sometimes you come away from a gig thinking, “WOW I am really getting somewhere with this comedy lark..”

Then all of a sudden you're brought back to reality and are aware that you are just a notch on the bedpost to what is currently the most amateur gangfucked art that there is.

 I find it hard to even call myself a comedian when Russell Kane's dog has more followers than me on twitter. I am just a person who enjoys being on stage.

I like to make people laugh, and if one day someone stumbles upon me and I get to make some money out of it then so be it. 

                                                

But for now all I want to do is have some fun, drink lots, have sex with my beautiful girlfriend and hope sometime in the near future Russell Kane's dog steps out of line!

Mind you, that dog is cute as fuck!!

G.